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Navigating Gender and Sexuality in Indian Relationships: A Personal Perspective
“The Silent Struggles: Gender Roles and Sexuality in Indian Society”

When I was first asked to write an article on sexuality and gender issues in the context of Indian relationships, I was in a dilemma. Whatever I read from books confused me. I couldn’t start writing because I didn’t know where to start.

Anu, a woman in her late thirties, was brought up in an environment that showed her as a broad-minded, energetic girl bubbling with spirits, aspiring to achieve something in life. “I don’t want my life to be shunted between kitchen and bedroom. “I would rather die than take up such a life”. Anu used to tell her friend always. But she got married into a family where she had to live among women who thought a woman’s real-life existed around the kitchen and the bedroom. This slowly developed a hole in her confidence.

woman's real-life existed around the kitchen and the bedroom.

Anu slowly descended into a hollow that darkened and suppressed her spirits. Her husband hesitated to support her as he thought it might label him as “henpecked” in his family. She had to give in silently to her husband’s sexual desire, because of her children.
At this juncture, the role of a male and a female in a society with the existing norms made me feel breathless and sigh with regret. Although we talk a lot about sexuality issues in the wake of feminism in India, there exists male dominance over females that hinders and oppresses them from coming up in life. Whether you are intelligent or dull-headed, the role of male dominance cannot be erased
forever.

sexuality issues in the wake of feminism
in India,

In places where it cannot be shown directly, it moves forward stealthily to paralyze your efforts. Still, some women subtly obey the dictates of male dominance and find things done according to their will. At this juncture, who could be blamed? In most Indian families, the dominant role played by a female or male still needs better understanding. Male dominance is always projected high, and everyone accepts it as a sign of a secure home.

In India, most women come to feminism through personal experience, which is one of the reasons why the core identity of feminism has to be elastic. In India, feminism is still to find a true expression. Because, common women rate their own fellow women by judging their ability to meet the sexual needs of men and give birth to children.

the sexual needs of men and give birth to children.

The so-called marriage market in India chooses its brides by looking at their personalities and rates them accordingly. The existing dowry system in India thus fixes the rate of a bride and paves the way for gender injustice exercised by women on their people. In India, male chauvinism to its maximum degree has led to gender injustice. Oscar Wilde called women ‘a decorative sex’ following it up by saying ‘they never have anything to say, but they say it charmingly’. This very clearly reflects the attitude of males in India, who believe even now that the first duty of a female is to fulfil the sexual needs of her partner.

The existing dowry system in India thus fixes the rate of a bride

Ram, a man in his late twenties with dreams about a happy married life. Intelligent, but submissive, he could not express his feelings to his wife when problems started in their life. He was pushed into doing a business that did not suit his mentality and whatever he did turned out into a failure. The entire harmony of the family was shattered with the growing financial problems and every day turned out to be a battle of words. Slowly, he slipped into a world of darkness and got shrunk inside a nutshell of vague dreams. He could only show his sexual dominance and develop a bubble of misunderstanding, which disturbed the family harmony.

his sexual dominance and develop a bubble of
misunderstanding,

Breaking the Chains: Exploring Gender Inequity in Indian Marriages
“Invisible Boundaries: The Impact of Gender Norms on Indian Women”

In India, the cultural emphasis on the family leads both men and women to be deprived of the power to determine the basis upon which their sexual relationship should take place. A woman’s fertility and her relationship with her husband are often thought of as a mark of her social identity. The women are not even allowed to decide when they could have their child and have to do it according to their husband’s wishes.

A woman's
fertility and her relationship with her husband

When a man’s fertility is questioned, the whole blame is put on the woman only. Radha, a girl in her early twenties is eagerly expecting to have a baby. Although cooperative and willing in her sexual relationship with her husband, she could not succeed in it.

When their family doctor advised both of them to have the medical tests, her husband stubbornly refused to accompany her. The doctor expressed her inability to do anything without the report of her husband’s medical test. Radha failed in her attempts to persuade her husband to go for the test. She has to suffer in silence as she cannot share with anyone her feelings towards her husband’s indifference.

Blamed entirely for being unable to have a child, society refuses such women’s participation in traditional ceremonies celebrated for the welfare and progeny of the family. In India, the relationship between a husband and wife is judged by their success in having a child within one year of their married life.

In India, the
relationship between a husband and wife is judged by their success in having a child within one year
of their married life.

The battle for gender justice has been a long-drawn struggle and much has to be changed because the traditional abuse of women and underestimation of their capacities continues. It is not merely the poor or the illiterate but women from all strata of society experience bias in day-to-day life.

Giving higher education and economical independence to a girl is not the only criteria to solve the existing problem. Better handling of the social norms that draws a line in the midst of the family harmony is the need of the hour. We must know how to build up our life harmoniously inspite of all these social hindrances and rules that exist in the society. By doing so we could wipe off this kind of injustice at least in the near future.

Written by

Kalai Selvi Arivalagan

Growing up in an environment enriched with colours of nature adorned with sounds of machines, I enjoyed life with all challenges. Nature is always a great teacher that teaches empathy to live and let live others. Though I am now living in an urban environment, the lesson that nature taught me motivates and allows me to keep on writing. I will always remember the cool afternoons in the shades of trees that made me write more on love.

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